Tales of the Parodyverse

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killer shrike hopes this passes muster
Sun Jan 15, 2006 at 06:26:27 pm EST
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Resolution Crisis War - Chapter Two
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Decimation Crisis: Prelude to Resolution War Prologue #2


Before to read this first:

http://www.mangacool.com/php/show.php?msg=parodyverse-20060107220419

Then come back to this.


Hatman adjusted the Tennessee Titans cap on his head and went through the wall he had punched his enemy through just seconds ago. Even in his state of white-hot rage the Capped Crusader made a series of tactical observations:

1.    He engaged in battle in a BALD installation, an organization extremely hostile to those in his chosen profession.
2.    The BALD installation he was fighting his opponent in was located in the heart of downtown GothamMetropolis York, a city whose administration was also extremely hostile to those in his chosen profession.
3.    The opponent he was fighting was Mr. Epitome, the Star Spangled Splendor, a man, who, in addition to being a traitor to those in his chosen profession, was one possessing considerable power and skill.

Jay Boaz was fighting a dangerous foe in dangerous territory. He would have to end this battle quickly, with a minimum amount of property damage. The consequences would be catastrophic; physically, collaterally, and politically, if he failed.

He was determined not to fail.

*****


Epitome shrugged himself free from the wrecked computer console he had been knocked into. He glared at his teammate.

“Second time you’ve Japped me,” he nodded manically, “That’s all.”

Jay replied with his fists. He hammered Epitome again, in the sternum, staggering him. A chop to the ribs next, followed by a haymaker aimed straight for Epitome’s jaw.

Dominic caught the punch. And then smiled.

That’s when Hatman realized the strength of the Titans wasn’t going to be enough.

He pulled free from Epitome’s hold before the bigger man could clamp down on his wrist. He tried a spin kick to the head, but Dominic blocked it with his forearms. Then he dropped down and swept Jay’s legs out from under him. As Hatman hit the concrete floor his enemy pounced. Epitome stomped down onto the small of Jay’s back and took hold his foot. Smirking, he turned the limb into an excruciatingly painful ankle lock.

“Tap out!” Epitome punctuated his command with a sadistic twist.

Jay felt the bones in his foot grinding together. Even with his mythological strength and endurance it wouldn’t take much for those bones to shatter. He needed malleability.

Hatman reached down to his Hatility Belt for his UC Santa Cruz Banana Slugs cap. Once he donned it the invertebrate’s abilities were his. He squirted free of Dominic’s grasp and rolled over onto his back.

“Clever,” the Exemplary Man admitted, shaking the slime from his gauntlets before kicking Hatman in the stomach.

The blow sent Jay soaring. If he hadn’t managed to put on his Pittsburgh Steelers hat he would have splattered off the wall. Instead he smashed through it, to the outside.

Epitome swaggered onto the street and eyed the Legionnaire contemptuously, “Steel? Please. My sneezes can shatter steel.”

Hatman attacked anyway. He hammered his ferrous fists into Dominic’s face and neck, viciously, brutally. Time was running out, and if he didn’t come up with a successful strategy soon….

A wicked uppercut lifted Jay off his feet. Using his enhanced speed Epitome struck downward, denting in the top of Jay’s head. Hatman collapsed

Dominic snorted a glob of bloody spit onto the sidewalk. Despite his wounds the Man of Might was happy: he was getting his chance to beat down his self-righteous challenger utterly and thoroughly, and the best part was he couldn’t be blamed for it. After all, Boaz had attacked him.

“Maybe its time you slap on a beret and surrender?” Epitome sneered.

“Let’s try this instead,” Hatman hissed and slipped on his Los Angeles Dodgers cap and assumed a defensive posture. The properties of the hat allowed him to avoid a flurry of punches and kicks from the Star Spangled Splendor, which was an improvement over what had transpired previously, but it wasn’t bringing the fight any closer to conclusion. The Tactical Advisor to the Lair Legion realized he was going to have to fight dirty.

Jay kept bobbing and weaving, waiting for an opening. He finally got one when Epitome took a breath. Hatman switched to his New Orleans Zephyrs hat and assumed the form of a pleasant, out of season breeze. Then he wafted down Dominic’s throat, bronchial tubes, and into the lungs.

It was a difficult transformation for Jay, in some ways his most exotic yet, but he wasn’t done. Concentrating, he willed his noncorporal form to change hats again.

To the Rhein Fire.

Epitome screamed as his insides boiled from the heat. Flames roiled out his mouth and nose, coalescing into a humanoid shape once Dominic fell to the ground gagging.

Hatman replaced his NFL Europe attire with a cap more local in region: that of the Detroit Pistons. With eyes cracked and clouded by heat Mr. Epitome watched helplessly as his enemy scored hit after solid hit on him, each explosive punch sending him sprawling. He lost consciousness after the eleventh punch.

“Man, that was hardcore!” a young onlooker enthused from the crowd. There was a murmur of appreciation. Jay didn’t share their sentiment, especially since…

The dust that had been stirred up earlier by Hatman and Epitome’s brawl rose again, this time by the wind generated by the rotors of a trio of three re-fitted Blackhawk helicopters. Each vehicle bore the logo of the GMY Police Department and carried enough firepower to level a city block.

Over the whipping gale and the keen of approaching sirens, Jay Boaz heard the chopper commander scream over his PA:

“Take off your hat and place your hands behind your head! You are under arrest!!”


To Be Continued, By Hatty!













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